My Failure, My Year

The phrase “failure is not an option” has come into my mind today without wanting to leave. The truth is, for me, failure has been inevitable. If I’m being truly honest with myself I will recognize that I have failed on more accounts then I care to count, the top of the list being my biggest failure so far: figuring out what I am supposed to do with my life.

I am 24 years old, 25 in just a couple of weeks, and when I think of that age I remember what I thought life would be like now when I was only 10. I thought that by 16 I would have had my first boyfriend. By 22 I would by married. By 24 I would be the perfect little housewife, pregnant with her first child. When I was younger I was going to be a detective or a journalist – successful might I add – but I would give it all up gladly for my growing family. By 25 my first child would be born, probably a girl, and my husband and I would sail off on a cloud of cotton candy and be happy forever.

It is safe to say that none of those things have happened which don’t bother me too much. I’m happy to be single because it gives me the opportunity to explore life in ways that you just couldn’t do while married. I’ve been able to live abroad twice and literally travel all around the world. I am so grateful the way my life has played out and I’m ecstatic that the musings of a 10 year old didn’t come to fruition.

And although I am happy that I haven’t been confined to the silly thoughts of an adolescent, I am really let down that I don’t have a better idea of what I’m supposed to do with my life. These thoughts are not new. I’ve continuously complained, cried, and pondered my life and what it is. So what am I saying? I don’t want my childhood life but I do want some sort of direction! I want to have a path that I’m following so that everything that I’ve done since graduating high school makes sense and that I’ve worked for something – towards anything!

I think that to an extent I’ve just held myself back. My dream job, for example, would be to travel the world while documenting everything that I saw and experienced through film or writing. Is it possible for me to become a famous blogger? Who knows. Or maybe a famous photographer! That would be amazing. The problem is that these dreams seem too big to even be possible and so I don’t even know where to start!

As each year begins I think that it will be better then the last. In some instances, this has been true, in others my year has failed miserably. Hence the failure that I talked about at the beginning.

I don’t think it’s wrong to witness your failures. Pointing out where you went wrong in life is important because it means that you can only improve from there on out. And so when I hear that quote “failure is not an option” I think it should be tweaked a bit. “Failure is an option because we are not perfect. But learn from that failure because there is nowhere to go but up”. That sounds a bit better, doesn’t it?

To sum up, I’ve failed. I’ve failed at moving out, I’ve failed at completing my post-secondary education, I’ve failed at posting a photo a day on my blog, I’ve failed at falling in love, and I have most definitely failed at figuring out every part of my life. The thing is though, I’m going to get over it. I’m going to move on because failure doesn’t need to define me. I can’t be any more lost then this. Things can only get better from here!

I’ve changed since coming back from my American internship. I’ve become quieter, more mature, and in a way, more sure of what I want. I just need to learn how to execute it now. I need to not let others hold me back. I need to think of what is best for me and my happiness. The only way to bounce back from my failure is to gain something even better. I pray this next year will be my year.

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5 thoughts on “My Failure, My Year

  1. I think the first step towards a better year is knowing what you want to change from the previous year and you’ve already done that! Our dreams as a child will definitely change as we grow older but it’s always fun to chase these dreams so I hope that you have a super year doing it 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Great piece. But I knew exactly what I was going to – go to a Russell Group university, get a law degree, get a job in a City law firm etc etc. I did all that but was massively unhappy and ended up jacking it all in to go travelling. For the first time, I haven’t a clue what I’m going to do in the future but I’m much happier. There’s a lot of pressure to rush into a career but it’s important to remember to have fun while you can. A failure to follow the herd is no failure at all. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

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